Get crunk. Stay hydrated.
Do you LURRRVEEEE alcohol?
Yes. Yes, you do.
20th Century Fox
But do you hate the TASTE of alcohol?
I love the BUZZ, but I dread the BOOZE.
The meet the answer to your prayers: SPIKED SELTZER.
That's right, people. Spiked mother-effing SELTZERRRRRRR.
This boozy seltzer is gluten-free and contains 6% alcohol, which means it’ll make you as buzzed as a beer would.
And it only contains 6 ingredients, according to the company's website. “All of what you want and none of what you don't,” master brewer Nick Shields told BuzzFeed.
Lovin’ straight from the oven.
Jenny Chang / BuzzFeed
Rosemary olive oil bread you can make in your Crock Pot:
And dip in extra rosemary olive oil because that's how we do. Get the recipe here.
Sweet and hearty oatmeal chocolate banana bread you’ll actually want to wake up for:
A serious step up from just banana bread with chocolate chips in it. Get the recipe here.
An uber-fluffy batch of Hokkaido milk bread:
The secret? Rolling the dough. Also no kneading required. Get the recipe here.
The struggle is happening all around us.
Thinkstock / Via Twitter: @ughshaye
Some food is just art.
This impeccable lemon tart.
These psychedelic salad rolls.
These apple roses.
This pineapple caramel cake that is making us rethink passing up pineapple upside-down cake.
Being a person means following a lot of rules.
There are rules about when you can swim in the deep end of a pool; where you can park, and for how long; the number of groceries you can smuggle into the express checkout line; the places you are required to wear shoes; what time you have to be at a particular location, and what time you are allowed to leave it.
Some of these rules exist so that we can enjoy a more orderly and peaceful coexistence with one another. And some of them are totally fucking arbitrary.
Case in point: (American) rules about breakfast food.
Don't get me wrong: bacon, eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, bagels, sausage, and smoothies (among other brethren) are delicious. They're comforting, they're easy, and as such they should be enjoyed at all times of day. There's a reason we've so heartily embraced breakfast for dinner: the stack of French toast enjoyed with an IPA, the glorious hybrid that is a fried or poached egg atop savory leftovers. And it's time to turn that theory upside down. Repeat after me: “Breakfast food” is a social construct.
Enter: lunch and dinner (and dessert) for breakfast.
This is what I ate circa 8:45 a.m. last Thursday. It is a classic grilled cheese (American cheese, whole wheat bread, lots of butter) and tomato soup (boxed, probably very bad for me, definitely very delicious). I woke up and it was exactly what I wanted. I thought for a moment about adding bacon or an egg in order to make it more breakfast-y, but just as quickly realized that I would be doing such a thing based on the aforementioned Rules, not because I wanted to. I didn't want a bacon-egg-and-cheese; I wanted a grilled cheese, which is physically not so different but psychically worlds away.
Maybe you are already the type of person who's liberated yourself from these gustatory shackles. Maybe you're reading this and smirking; maybe you've enjoyed pre-commute turkey dinners since before you had molars. To you I say congratulations, and that I'm happy to now count myself among your number. I have often done things because I thought I should, because I had no other template, because I haven't always known how to read my own desires. I am learning how to be better.
Did you know you can transform the previous night's mashed potatoes into extremely decent latkes? Now you do!
Sometimes I go for straight-up luxury.
Literally the entire point of being an adult is so you that can have cake for breakfast. I purloined this one from my coworker, but you could make it yourself.
Once I discovered that my local grocery store sold 10-packs of miniature tart crusts, my dining life (breakfast and otherwise) changed forever. Why make /one/ beef pot pie or Nutella tartlet or green-pepper frittata when you could have LOTS OF THEM AT ONCE?
But I am not suggesting you do the same. I'm not evangelizing for grilled cheese, nor cake, nor anything other than what your heart and brain and stomach call for when you first put your feet on the floor in the morning. Maybe you love nothing more than a softboiled egg or a bowl of Cap'n Crunch as you wipe the sleep from your eyes. Maybe you enjoy drinking orange juice immediately after brushing your teeth. My friend Rachel once had a salad for breakfast! The world is full of possibility!
And yet, waking up and being in it is hard enough as it is; why not keep society's flood of demands at bay for just a few minutes longer? Besides, if you think about it, cereal really counts as a soup.
Just do your best not to eat the whole jar in one sitting.
As if Nutella wasn’t enough of a drug already, here’s a new thing that exists: marijuana-infused Nutella.
Chrontella / @revorish / Via instagram.com
It’s called Chrontella, and stoners are having a field day with it. They’re spreading it on cake…
@ohcannabis420 / Via instagram.com
And baking it into muffins…
@pk_screws_ssc / Via instagram.com
And slathering it on ice cream bars.
Though it's probably best straight out of the jar.
A jar costs $23 and contains 300 mg of cannabis extract. Unfortunately, it is only available at various dispensaries in Canada, according to Vice.
@ohgeekushman / Via instagram.com
“I think I speak for everyone that peeling a banana is one of the hardest things to do and solve.”
So some baby genius invented a banana slicer, you guys.
I know, you’re like, that’s something I didn’t even know I needed.
WHAT WONDERS. The Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer is available for $4 on Amazon. GO CRAZY.
But FIRST! Read these redonkulous Amazon reviews.
PEOPLE ARE GOING IN.